I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
