and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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