i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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