When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize