im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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