Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
