No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
