I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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