I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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