i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
only you would photoshop your dick
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
