it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
you had me at cake vodka
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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