She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Randomize
