Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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