I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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