thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
