I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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