I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
