Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize