i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
