I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
