So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
But what if he licks everyones ass?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
