i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
