quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
