The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
