I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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