Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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