I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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