We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
