The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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