Non-Jews are for practice
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
