I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
