I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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