I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize