Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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