the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
