I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize