It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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