you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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