Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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