I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
tell me about the eggs
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
