Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize