I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
