i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
COCAINE IS GR8
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