Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It's shark week go big or go home
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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