just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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