The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
