if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
