I haven't been this sober since birth.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
