i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
