My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
