we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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