Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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