you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
