P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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