Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
