I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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