well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The Olympian is in my bed
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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