worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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