I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
