sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I want her autograph on my taint
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
