Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize