every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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