my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I need moral support for this bender
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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