god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It's never too late to be topless.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
