my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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