sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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