I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize