there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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